Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because babie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. babie please stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a
snake loves rat.

Spent a better part of this day listening to my friend and on many accounts i have come to the conclusion that either i dont understand him or he's communication skills suck, MAJORLY.

Here are a few prime examples:

1. He doesnt get excited about many things except liverpool and even then its not like over the hill delirious excitement. So i ask, how am i supposed to tell you are excited about anything???

2. He says words like "fine" and expects you to interprete it as supper, great! or as Im so for that!! Most of us say "fine" or "okay" and thats where it ends.

3. As a non emotional guy, he is all for marriage. As far as i know, as side from your children, marriage is the ultimate form of emotional entanglement, so if you are running away from emotions, that sure as heck aint the way to go.

4.His intepretation of spending time with madam because possibly she wants to do something he is not particularly interested in doing is : She goes and does whatever and calls me up later.

Note: calls me up not meet up.

5.His definition of dating: we meet up at some fancy restuarant and eat.
His definition of being together: "we just be".

6. Him explaining something he has said that you did not understand : either you get it or you dont.

7.His explanation for things you labour to explain: thats your romantic shit (direct qoute)

8.His explanation for not wanting to say more than 5 things to you: im a boring chap.

9.He's definition of making it work: we got a long time, no hurry, which translates into when i have time for you, we will work on it.

10. His explanation for not hanging with you, your friends and their partners: is it show off your dog day and gush how ur dog is better than any of the others??? (dog here refering to your partner).

conclusion :Akwierd.

Was I being that selfish when you asked me what I wanted from this and I told you what I expected? Was I that selfish when I told you what I expected? When I asked you what you wanted and did not get an answer?

Was I being selfish when I did not push you to meet those expectations? Was I being selfish when I figured you would eventually get round to meeting them? Was I being selfish when I gave up expecting you to ever meet my expectations?

I thought I had it all figured out- I would let you do your thing, just as long as you let me part of your life. I settled for what ever you gave me. Maybe I was being selfish; I just wanted you to be in my life.

Apparently that was not enough. I should have asked what you wanted. Maybe you expected me to push you, I know, I don’t always remember things that should be important, I figured you would tell me it was important, wasn’t that the deal?

Now you tell me I was selfish, that I did not understand what compromise meant, I was only out for what I could get and yet it was supposed to be a give and take situation.

I thought that was what I was doing. I’m not perfect; I have my own quirky issues to deal with. How was I supposed to know that what I was doing was wrong? What did u want me to do, walk away the moment I realized you could not meet my expectations?

Not giving me what I want doesn’t make you a different person. It just makes you more human and more realistic to deal with. It is not a sign that I will walk away. I thought we were above this, apparently I was wrong.

You tell me you still want this to work. I don’t know if it can, me knowing what I know now. I’m afraid to say anything to you, I’m afraid to do anything because I figure I’m screwed either way. When I’m sure I should be moving right, you are busy taking two steps left. When I move left, you take five steps right.

We talk all the time; I just don’t think we understand each other. Every time I feel we have made some progress, turns out I was the only one who attended that particular session.

Maybe its time to say goodbye or am I just being selfish again?



Listening to: Like you’ll never see me again- Alicia Keys.

1. The other day a friend started talking marriage. I think he's still getting over the fact that his sister just got married. Anyhu he asked if i had plans and i was like "yeah, sure..some day but need to organise first" then he did something i thot was ultra sweet. I hear if i fail to find a man he will marry me..the poor young boi.

2.Channel surfing brought me to Top TV last night. Again..some program directors should be shot or maybe the person who comes up with the advert should be shot or maybe the person reading the script should be shot. There's a lot of blame to go around. Before i reached my break point, i heard this advert about some place for "those who love style and GLAEYMAR"..that wasnt too bad considering the accent of the voice over person. I recovered enough to hear "them" telling us to visit some medical rehab place thngy on ssmukago@yahoo.com. i went like '"thats not something you hear everyday"

3. Listening to "No one" by Alicia Keys, finally get to listen to it whenever i want to.Problem is i keep seeing her presentation at the America Music Awards so i expect chaka demus and pliers to jump into the song and the other artists. Chick has some of the flava going on..we were joking that ever since she "used to have white rice and honey " in that other song (Ghetto Story"-baby cham, i think) she got confused.

4.Was talking to Kissyfur yesterday. she told me to read this:

Do you remember February 1993 in England , when a young boy of 3 was taken from a Liverpool shopping centre by two 10-year-old boys? Jamie Bulger walked away from his mother for only a second, Jon Venables took his hand and led him out of the mall with his friend Robert Thompson. They took Jamie on a walk for over 2 and a half miles, along the way stopping every now and again to torture the poor little boy who was crying constantly for his mummy. Finally they stopped at a railway track where they brutally kicked him, threw stones at him, rubbed paint in his eyes, pushed batteries up his anus and cut his fingers off with scissors. Other mutilations were inflicted but not reported in the press.

These kids were recently released and relocated to Australia.

Its just so sad that things like that can and will continue to happen unless we can do something about it. There's sooo much blame to go around and yet really the buck stops with you.

Although, Akon did say we can put the blame on him...

4.Got to go and act as if smart. Later.

1. You find out you broke up two months ago and you had no idea and apparently you did the breaking up.
2. You take an inquiry about your weekend plans as an invitation to include him in your plans.
3.You dont get his wanting to do "his things" all the time.
4.You expect an explanation from him without asking him about something.
5.You take it for granted that you are in a relationship without him confirming it.
6.You constantly make excuses for him when he probably doesnt think he needs an excuse anyway.
7.You are contantly trying to make him convert him to your way of thinking.
8.You take it as an invitation when he says he is allllllllways at a certain bar.
9.You expect him to follow your train of thought and conversation while you jump from topic to topic within 2 minutes.
10.You try to become what you think he wants you to be.

Looking to build on my list...help?

I am a 45 year old woman. I am happily married and have four children. Considering what i have gone through recently, some would think me a bitter old woman, but not me. Im still deciding what i should be, how i should react.

My family has turned me out, noo..not my present family..my parents and my siblings. Apparently im not needed anymore. Actually thats not true, im needed but only for the financial backing i bring, otherwise im married and therefore i have nothing to say in regard to what happens.

Thats okay, they are entitled to their own ideas.What interests me is how short sighted these family members of mine can be.

Today, im being chased away from home because i no longer belong. Tomorrow i shall be the one being called on to provide for them and their children. Isnt it enough that i have supported them for well over 15 years? Isnt it enough that some how they have to rely on me and we all know this?

No, apparently it is not. I am the bread winner and yet they rob me of all my possessions, my part of the land, my part of the business..these people i call my family.

I am afraid for my children.They wont ever see this side of the family as their own. I have tried to hide the tension from them but they see all to clearly how my family is a "bunch of users".

With each day, i decide that maybe they are right. Maybe i do not belong here anymore. Maybe its time to stop trying to fix things, to "save" people who dont want to be saved but they are my blood and thats why this arguement is fruitless. No matter how much they hurt me, they are part of who i am. I am what i am today because of them...or so i used to think.

I am not bitter.. i am not angry. Im just disappointed.

I sit here on saturday night listening to the sounds of the city above the very close and intimate sound of the frogs and crickets outside me window. I sit here and think why im not out painting the town red, i sit here and think of all the interesting things that have happened these past days and i cannot pick any to write about.

Life's like that. A friend told me that practically everything on his blog is the truth.I dont know him well enough to agree or disagree with that. I just think that what "truth" you write about comes down to the way you are feeling at that time and this "truth" is just an impression. I prolly will tell you are excited, my interpretation might be different from the other odd 2o people that read the same post.

WHich actually reminds me. Have a number of friends who wont do the whole long distance relationship thing. Reason: Your not being here is the same as me being single. We will both miss out on the most important bits so why even bother.

Tend to agree with that although it, like everything else in life, can be done, all comes back to attitude and mindset.

I was reading "Point of Origin" by Patricia Connell which is one of those mystery murder detective type books and as i was reading i though to myself, books are just a form of propaganda really. A way of imprinting your way of thinking on the people who read your words passionately. Are they a reflection of something happening in your own life- very possibly.but how much of your book is really a reflection of who you are and what you believe. SHould i thus suspect that since a central part of this book and another in this series is sexuality and especially lesbianism that the author might be involved or know someone involved or...whatever, sure u get the point.

lemme go look up some peeps...later!