If I had written this yesterday, I would have been bubbling with excitement.

If I had written this a few minutes ago, I would have been gushing about WANTED. I finally watched it and in the comfort of my home at that. I'm supposed to go on a movie date soon and debated on whether I should keep Wanted for then but after tumwi dissed Cineplex, in a round about kind of way, I could not allow myself to be one of the saps Cineplex is playing.

Definitely a must watch. If you are like me and do not do that much research before you go see a movie, you will have fun. That is not entirely true, at the minimalist end, I do inquire as to which actor/tress is in the movie. I almost did not watch Wanted because of James McAvoy. Something about that Idi Amin movie- Last king of Scotland- which I have not watched, by the way.

The movie scene choreography in this movie are phenomenal. I know I said if I had written this a few minutes ago I would be gushing and I just did but the movie was fun.

In other news, I am listening to Usher's Here I stand. I am not exactly impressed. Amend that to, I am not impressed. I thought I had finally found a soul mate in "U s her R a y m ond" but i was not meant to be.

on the other hand, after listening to Leona Lewis' Spirit, i conclude that i have landed on the sappiest music I have listened to in a while! You know the type, sweet, soft, melodic... unerringly believing in love and the human goodness... Good for going to sleep on.

In more important news, I want to write something out but the words are refusing to organize themselves. I really do not want to be a victim like Cheri but the way things are going...


I am also in loooooooooove with this song. What I like about You- Jon B n babyface.

Now, how to get that date.

Yes, I know I should have had this all worked out by now but first I thought it important to find the perfect person to go on the date with. I know, perfect here, is relative after all.

I had to find a person who I clicked with, who got my lame jokes and who thought I was wonderful. Don’t look at me that way. I know, we are all looking for some one who thinks we are wonderful and trust me, a chat room is the perfect place to find someone who thinks you are wonderful.

In cyberspace everyone is perfect. Every one smells like they just walked through flowers or are musky with some scent only they know the secret ingredients to.

In cyberspace, no one has broken teeth or limited eye vision.

In cyberspace, no one is broke. We are all rich! We all roll in dollar dollar bills!

SO how to tell the really nice guy from the crap? Well, you spend time talking to the person of course, if their story doesn’t change and they are not in some fanatical hurry to get into your pants, you are onto something. Well this is assuming, again, that you do not want your pants jumped into.

I will not bore you with how many frogs I had to “kiss” to find my date. I will rush now to tell you about the date.

I did nothing out of the ordinary. I am one of those people who believe in the whole “be yourself” theory. If I meet you in my jeans and Tee’s and you like me, I will make you proud one day when it finally crosses my mind to wear a dress.

I never want to be accused of being that girl who dresses up to catch a man and then could care less when the man is caught. I would rather shock you some day by “cleaning” up.

So, the date. I met him at rock night. Yes. Lumumba Avenue. In the midst of millions of rock happy Ugandans.

I was in my overly abused black jumper, pink shirt and pink lined jeans chilling with my friends. He was in a preppy sweater over white shirt and grey dress pants.

He had described himself as a nerd. I was some what shocked that he did not have limited vision.

The deal was I had to buy him the most expensive drink in the joint. When we asked the waiter, it turned out the most expensive drink in the joint was tusker malt larger (I think it’s called). We laughed ourselves silly over that. The ice, as they say, was broken.

We chatted for about 30 minutes, it was close to my curfew, I had to leave. I laughed so much and so hard that night. I decided it was like at first chat.

We hang a bit after that. We declared ever lasting love to each other after that. Sigh.

You must be wondering how I rushed this date. I wonder as well. Maybe I’m subconsciously encouraging you to go out there and go on a blind date. My theory is… you have nothing to loose, so why not?

I am getting a head of myself. I need to go through chat room etiquette so you can fully understand what I went through and help those of you who intend to venture into a chat room as a result of this post.

First. It is completely advisable to decide if you are going to be honest with the people you meet in the room or not. It is not some mandatory class room where you will be flayed if you with hold some information or create some information. In fact more than 90% of what you are told is probably a lie.

Second. Choose a name that reflects who you want to be seen as. If you want us to think you are an innocent, “virgin” might not be the best name to go with, for obvious reasons.

Third. Know your game plan and always stick to the plan. Make sure you catch onto who is hot and who is not. And pay attention to abbreviations as these tend to give away the newbie more often than not. Things like ASL (Age, Sex and Location), LOL (Laugh Out Loud), ROTFL (Roll on the Floor Laughing), LMAO (laugh My Ass Off) and BRB (be right back) should come naturally to you. These abbreviations will change, so make sure you pay attention.

Fourth. You are in complete control. You have no one to blame but yourself if things do not go the way you want them to go.

Fifth. chat is like having any other conversation. Sometimes things will come back to bite you in that unmentionable place. And please do not forget that chat is about word play, in reality, the person might not be as witty or as fast. Reality bites, I know.

Do not forget. Chat is a game.

Introducing the people you will probably find in a Ugandan chat room.

Kalema. He is usually that guy who works abroad, who has some dubious job that no one knows and has an opinion on everything. He is almost always a Muganda and anti government.

Opolot is exactly like kalema only he is probably Itesot. He is also anti government and tends to have strange conversations about fish.

Contra-Versy is that guy who wants you to think he is controversial just from his name. Not really creative but well, at least you know you wont get what you see.

Cynthia is like the oldest chick in the room and only talks to specific people and always about “clique-ish” topics. If you weren’t there when the conversation started, too bad.

Krystal is Cynthia’s replacement. She’s witty, seems to get on with many people and will probably be the cause of controversial topics.

Munene/big handsome/lonely is that chap you should be running from, assuming you do not want to get laid. He probably thinks using profanities is the best way to get a girls attention. He will probably turn on you should you refuse to engage in some conversation with him and call your mama all sorts of names.

Uk kid/man/boy probably wants to skip the whole ASL thing and have you think he is amazing simply because he has attached the UK bit. Do not be fooled. This guy is probably in some café in katwe with some questionable power connection.

Poison ivy and the cheerleader. Two girls, who are probably friends out of the chat room, are witty and can gang up on any brother who takes it upon himself to speak before he is spoken to. They tend to give off “can’t touch us” vibes and are the life of the chat room.

Mbeki/Mswati/His Excellence probably lives some where close to South Africa, hence his name. Is interested in politics.

Jimmy/Cathy/Sara/Dennis probably works at a café which explains why they are always online.

Pato feels like he is a lady’s man. He probably has met with (and supposedly slept with more than half the girls in the room). He is an ardent foot ball fan and always online. One wonders when he has time for his family and football. He does not live in Kampala but probably upcountry.

Darius, Devon, Darrell, Tyler, Taylor has a swanky name. You might land on one to match. Usually these are fakers.

I think that’s about it or at least the vital one’s you need to watch out for.

Now, how to get that date.

I had always wanted to go out on one of these and not because of the rave reviews they get in some publications. In fact, I would bet close to 100,000 dollars that what the reporter or date writes after the date is more fiction than fact.

No one wants to read about the blind date from hell. Well, almost no one. I know a number of people who ran mad with excitement at the prospect of reading clearly insane accounts of dates. They just get giddy at the thought of there being someone else out there who is slightly madder than themselves.

In order to accomplish this date, I did what anyone would. I made a list. This list did not include the names of my friends who had friends who I could possibly go on my date with. That, according to me, would be like in a strange way going on a date with my friends. And really, as I see them all the time, it would not be a new experience, more like meeting up to go to Rock night or something.

This list was made up of all the weird possible ways to meet new people. I use weird here to refer to means I would not normally employ to achieve a goal. And no, I did not even consider dialing that number that accompanies those weirdly worded advertisements around the city. You know the ones. The ones that scream out “GET A LOVER!” or more recently “GET BUMS”. They say the quick method has no side effects, I wonder how many gullible people are out there. In fact, it would be interesting to actually find out how many calls the person receives each day.

It was after some careful analysis and the fact that this method fell in with what I had the time to do anyway, I decided to look for my date online.

You may now shake your head in total disbelief and dismay. Disbelief because it was like the most obvious route for me to go and I actually choose to use it and dismay because I actually talked myself into going on the said date.

Now, you might be wondering why I did not just ask one of my friends to hook me up with one of their friends. Here are my reasons. I call very few people “friend” and generally I sometimes wonder how we became friends. Some of these people are wacky and I mean that in the best possible way. Sometimes I wonder if we would have been friends if we had met at different points in our lives. Suffice to say, their friends would never be my friends so a hook up would never go down. And if by some quirk of fate it did happen, I would probably spend all of the ten minutes of the date wondering how you (my friend and you) became friends and more importantly continued to be friends.

That aside, I started the usual way. Google. That proved ineffective because, unlike some people, I do not know the right combination of words to make Google miraculously burst forth with helpful information. As I was unable to find even one online dating/ blind date service in a town near me, I next ventured to yahoo! I figured I had an account with these chaps for a reason. The yahoo! Connection proved interesting. The world was like at my feet and I met interesting people. It was fun.

Then the reality of the matter hit me. François was more than 500 miles away from me. Alien probably could not speak English to save his life and Dwayne’s name reminded me a tad too much of drains and their inhabitants. I some how did not see a future with this man. I might have been a bit rash but how was I going to explain how I knew someone named Dwayne?

I had a sit down with the people who reside in my head and they decided that the best approach would be to look for people at most 50 minutes away from me.

As Uganda’s online community is not yet that advanced I played with the idea of creating my own online dating company. The prospect excited me no end until it occurred to me that with fraud being what it is and those crafty overly active Nigerians messing up the interwebs for us otherwise enterprising persons, this project would not last to see one moon.

Added to which, which Ugandan would pay for something they could get free?

So I did a little research and found chat rooms. Finally I was in my element. I could finally joke about Melanie (Sanyu Fm Dj) and have fun at her expense. I could debate the rather humorless Comedy night and have my thoughts confirmed or trashed! I could finally swap stories about home with people from home.

This little high lasted a short time. It is hard to read someone’s response to your joke especially when you have not spoken to them and know absolutely next to nothing about them.

I am getting a head of myself. I need to go through chat room etiquette so you can fully understand what I went through and help those of you who intend to venture into a chat room as a result of this post.

Recently, over tea, i was talking to a friend and my mother and she (my mother) was talking about how cold it has been recently. (Apparently it was 19c... yes, not cold according to some of you who suffer sub zero temperatures but here! snap!)

So she pulls out the thermometer to prove her point. It was at this point that this memory struck.

Thermometers were probably the first indication that I would never make it in the medical proffession. That and the fact that I generally shy away from anything that makes me tax my other wise simple mind but that is an explanation for another day.

I could never read those things. Even when I was claiming to be sick to get out of going to school, I could never do the whole "self thermometer test'... I heard so many people tell me look for the "line" that will tell you the temperature. I swear I never saw it.

You can thus imagine the problems I had in physics. You do remember S4 physics when the evil syllabus inventors decided that we had to heat water (do not remember what we were trying to prove) and do the whole prism thing?


Yes, I can see this coming back to you. Lets just say I neeeeeeeever saw the line (I think light was supposed to hit the prism and get dispersed then you were supposed to do some fancy art work and draw lines of dispersion or something).

I can clearly see myself in that physics lab going "huh?" millions of times. I decided that there could only be one way of of the whole thing.

Fake it!

I am glad to report I was such a great faker that it was only me who knew what I was on about.

This good "pat-on-the-back" feeling lasted until I had to do cantab! (slang for Uganda Certificate (U.C.E) that is -O'level)

Yes, you guessed right. Everything went all right until I had to choose between the thermometer test and the prism. I did what any blank person would do in my place. I choose the thermometer.

Some basic principles still hold. Boiling point 100 degrees, yes?

Prism? Man... even art was involved.

I am glad to report that I did not fail physics. I got a 3 (pretty nifty for someone totally blank) and even considered doing PEM/D (Physics, Economics, Mathematics and Divinity) at A'level.

The problem with that is that apart from Divinity, the rest are not ME.

If you asked any of my friends if they thought I will eventually do an MBA, they would probably laugh you out of the room. Math and me, did not fall off the same tree, is all I am saying which is probably why the next boyfriend had better be nifty at balancing books.

You must be wondering where I am going with this. I'm a tad lost as well. This all started because I was having a conversation about prism's and about hearing things.

Its like when you go to church and then the announcement person says something like " It is Your day. You are here for a reason!!"

I totally agree with that one. God must have brought me to church for a reason, after all my steps are ordered by HIM.

It gets a little blurry however when the person says something like "God has this message for YOU! He is saying...."

first time, you are like "Yay! A message for me from God! He heard my call!"

Then you really think about it and it hits you that you are over 500 "YOU's" in the congregation. So which YOU is being spoken to?

A few months ago I was crazy about this boy (Ex bff). Not any more though and I will share why in a few precious moments.

First, I think I ought to explain why he was (is) special. (Depending on how long you have been reading my blog, you have heard about Mr. before).

This boy was my first serious boy-friend. I knew I could turn up and talk about what ever, he would raise his eyebrow and let me go on and on and then at the end of my endless rants, he would tell me exactly what to do (like I did not know!).

He helped me understand boys. Let me amend that to men. I tend to call anyone younger than my brother a boy so understand. Actually that’s not true, I still consider my brother a boy but that is a whole other story.

He made it clear to me that although he was hot, I should look elsewhere because he was clearly more interested in being mysterious and up to no good.

He need not have worried on that front… You can not play games with someone you actually like, they always back fire on you and you usually end up loosing that friend which is too high a price to pay for some high that will ware off in less than 5 minutes.

Mushyness aside, Bff has always been there for me. Well… until whatshername turned up. Suddenly the boy realized that he had to actually dress up to impress people, better manage his time and actually pay attention to happening places around the city.

Suddenly I ceased to exist for the boy.

That was okay, its called “transition” we all go through it. That phase when we only have eyes and ears for this “special” person and forget the little people in our lives.

I handled the “time” as best I could and some time later I got bumped to “Ex bff”…Why Bff? Why??????

He insisted that it was an upgrade. I do not agree. Anything with an “ex” in it does not bare well for the bearer of the title.

I reached deep within myself and held on.

It was some time later when I met “this boi” who we shall call “boo”. When I met him, he was the true picture of “nerd meets kewl chick”. We got to talking and he so ever so sweetly offered to listen to me and generally be there for me.

I agreed… a girl needs as many boy-friends as possible, especially when all her girls go loco.

So with the passing of time, we became close (according to me), we got each other through some icky situations and then some.

My little comfortable world came crushing down a few days ago. Truthfully, they are more than a few but I do not like to think about it that way.

We (boo and I) had a little misunderstanding that had me going from laughing on the brink of madness to crying into my pillow wondering how something so simple could get so messed up.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking I probably went out of my way to spill a little perfume on his shirt so when his girlfriend showed he would not have a plausible excuse.

No, that is not what happened. It was nothing as dramatic.

I simply made a crack about something. He thought I was serious and decided to walk out of my life.

And no, it was not something to do with his height, or his nerdy status or his precious car or some lady he is interested in who cannot see straight to save her life.

I was hurt because he did not stop to ask me what I meant. I was hurt because I realized that I was the only one who thought we had passed the stage when we needed a third party to explain exactly what we meant by the things we did and said.

We haven’t spoken in a while now. I sent him an email. He has not responded and that hurts the more. I know I said I needed time but that did not mean I do not want to know how you are doing or what you are up to.

What is with people and taking things as gospel truth when you say them? Okay, I get other people taking them as truth/ fact but not you…

Anyhow, this is how I lost two very important people. I am completely without a start point.

I have been in denail over something for the longest time. I figured if I could get away with it, I might as well...



I was however stopped short the other day when I had a conversation with my brother that went something like



P: So how is every one at home?'

T: They are fine. Mum says she will send you the information so it beez that side

P: what was that?

T: I said she will send it so it b.. its thats side with you.

P: No, No T. what was that? I havent heard that in I dont know how many years! you just killed a buffalo! Mbogo! ((gramatical error))



The interesting part was until he said that, I did not think I had said anything out of the ordinary. My lame response was....



"no, i havent. That is how we be! catch up!"



I have thus resolved to better my command of the English language. It is going to be hard to say the least.



*******************************************



I am not exactly allowed to say anything about yesterday's mini BHH so if you want to catch up... go visit Mr. B2B



I will however say it has been suggested next BHH is at Effendy's (centenary park).

I know, shocking. Read, you might agree :-)


A friend was bitterly arguing with me the other day when that “man”, Thomas Beatie, bore a pretty girl. He argued that the only reason why I scoffed at the idea was because I was offended by the idea that a man would and could do the one thing we (women) guarded so jealously.


Now, my first reaction was “there is no way in hell this man could have given birth, let alone get pregnant! Does no one watch House? Its not one of those “monkey see, monkey do” things, you know”


That thought was promptly followed by the edict God placed when Adam and Eve were being admonished for crossing a line they should not have. Eve (woman) would suffer pain during childbirth; nothing was said about dear old Addy... aside from toiling to provide for his family of course.


In addition to which, lets be honest. Men are not built to have children; they just do not have the right combination. It is that simple.


In my mind it was simple, men cannot give birth.


Then I thought about Julius/Juliet.


Julius/ Juliet Kaganzi kaggwa was born in 1969 and erroneously declared a girl in spite of a few anomalies. In his book “From Julius to Juliet… In search of my true gender” (published by Fountain Publishers, Uganda, 1997), he narrates his scary story. He lived as a girl till about 1995 when he decided to drop his fake female status. Last I heard he got married to a lady named Joy and the headline when he did so read “Old Gayaza girl weds woman”. (Gayaza High School is one of the most prominent all girls high school in Uganda).


It struck me that reverse might be true of Thomas Beatie so I did what any person would do, I googled the chap and had all my suspicions confirmed. Thomas Beatie was born a woman who chose to undergo sex reassignment procedures to technically take on the appearance of being a man, a little cut here, a little cut there and voila!


I think Thomas was happy though because when push came to shove and they -yes he is married to a one Nancy who had a hysterectomy some years ago- wanted to have a child, he could carry one to term.


What my friend forgot in his argument about male emancipation and “gender mainstreaming” was that Thomas (born Tracy Lagondino) was still female because he/she chose to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy and retained his/her reproductive rights. He was BUILT to have children. End of discussion.

I’m curious about such people. What happens in their thought process for them to decide to do certain things? I know, life is all about being comfortable in your own skin and all but should there be some limit to this?


I was watching the Tyra Banks show recently and she was interviewing these transgender persons who participated in Trantasia. It’s a pageant to find the most beautiful transgender out there. The participants… Amazing! Some of those guys were hot! No wonder men suffer!


These men had had surgery to an extent (chest reconstruction) and looked every inch like
Women and in case you are wondering, no there were no bulges where there should have been. I am still trying to understand that one.


They all (most) were talking about how they wanted to be women and this was a way to do it. There was this one however who is just a female impersonator (as in his job) and he looks every inch woman. I wonder if you could get paid here…


I found a number of things interesting. One was most of them considered suicide at some point and most when they were in high school. No surprise there, really, when you feel oppressed by yourself because you do not understand who or what you are and then by society that will reject anything they do not understand, it is understandable that you might want to do away with life.


Suicide however seems like a coward’s way out and well, some times, it doesn’t exactly go according to plan. Should that happen, you will forever be looked at as a psychopath which when you consider how “weird” you already are, might not be a bad idea.


Second thing was one of them said they did not want to be buried a woman. When he gets older, he will remove his implants and revert. I wonder what his point all this time has been.


Third, men are vain! Now honestly, the amount of work this men get done puts to shame even the most religiously beauty obsessed female you know. I think it is because they are trying to over compensate for the fact that they are not naturally women. One of them had enough lypo, I felt my skin tighten. He/she looked bad!


Fourth interesting thing is all of them are either dating or married. Does that technically make them homosexual? When they were asked if they use the lower parts of their bodies when they are intimate, their response was, it depended on their partners.


Interesting.

This afternoon i had the pleasure of engaging on a conversation that might have come to blows had it not been for the people engaged in it.

T: So i had to go see a medic.