I am getting a head of myself. I need to go through chat room etiquette so you can fully understand what I went through and help those of you who intend to venture into a chat room as a result of this post.

First. It is completely advisable to decide if you are going to be honest with the people you meet in the room or not. It is not some mandatory class room where you will be flayed if you with hold some information or create some information. In fact more than 90% of what you are told is probably a lie.

Second. Choose a name that reflects who you want to be seen as. If you want us to think you are an innocent, “virgin” might not be the best name to go with, for obvious reasons.

Third. Know your game plan and always stick to the plan. Make sure you catch onto who is hot and who is not. And pay attention to abbreviations as these tend to give away the newbie more often than not. Things like ASL (Age, Sex and Location), LOL (Laugh Out Loud), ROTFL (Roll on the Floor Laughing), LMAO (laugh My Ass Off) and BRB (be right back) should come naturally to you. These abbreviations will change, so make sure you pay attention.

Fourth. You are in complete control. You have no one to blame but yourself if things do not go the way you want them to go.

Fifth. chat is like having any other conversation. Sometimes things will come back to bite you in that unmentionable place. And please do not forget that chat is about word play, in reality, the person might not be as witty or as fast. Reality bites, I know.

Do not forget. Chat is a game.

Introducing the people you will probably find in a Ugandan chat room.

Kalema. He is usually that guy who works abroad, who has some dubious job that no one knows and has an opinion on everything. He is almost always a Muganda and anti government.

Opolot is exactly like kalema only he is probably Itesot. He is also anti government and tends to have strange conversations about fish.

Contra-Versy is that guy who wants you to think he is controversial just from his name. Not really creative but well, at least you know you wont get what you see.

Cynthia is like the oldest chick in the room and only talks to specific people and always about “clique-ish” topics. If you weren’t there when the conversation started, too bad.

Krystal is Cynthia’s replacement. She’s witty, seems to get on with many people and will probably be the cause of controversial topics.

Munene/big handsome/lonely is that chap you should be running from, assuming you do not want to get laid. He probably thinks using profanities is the best way to get a girls attention. He will probably turn on you should you refuse to engage in some conversation with him and call your mama all sorts of names.

Uk kid/man/boy probably wants to skip the whole ASL thing and have you think he is amazing simply because he has attached the UK bit. Do not be fooled. This guy is probably in some café in katwe with some questionable power connection.

Poison ivy and the cheerleader. Two girls, who are probably friends out of the chat room, are witty and can gang up on any brother who takes it upon himself to speak before he is spoken to. They tend to give off “can’t touch us” vibes and are the life of the chat room.

Mbeki/Mswati/His Excellence probably lives some where close to South Africa, hence his name. Is interested in politics.

Jimmy/Cathy/Sara/Dennis probably works at a café which explains why they are always online.

Pato feels like he is a lady’s man. He probably has met with (and supposedly slept with more than half the girls in the room). He is an ardent foot ball fan and always online. One wonders when he has time for his family and football. He does not live in Kampala but probably upcountry.

Darius, Devon, Darrell, Tyler, Taylor has a swanky name. You might land on one to match. Usually these are fakers.

I think that’s about it or at least the vital one’s you need to watch out for.

Now, how to get that date.