I went shopping for a present yesterday. Apparently when people are in the process of little people acquisition, we show our support by splashing a few shillings around the place.

The number of shillings you spend of course depends on who you are, who you are spending on and why (yes and why) and who the other people spending are.

I have gone to countless parties where you are expected to present gifts but you are shy to because Sheila buy’s her gifts from banana boat (and thus you assume she spent millions) while you went to the friendly alley shop and spent your hard earned shillings.

When the gift getter opens the presents, you cringe and ask yourself why they could not open them later when all of you have returned to what ever dark hole (thanks to Umeme) you reside in.

One thing I have learnt from gift presentation though is, especially when you are giving the gift to a lady, they will probably work out how much you spent anyway so you should not apologize for being so cheap. A guy will probably never stop to think about just how much you spent, chicks just need to glance at it to know that you spent a paltry 3k on them.

This is one of the reasons I feel sorry for boyfriends and more so when their “gift” gets displayed to everyone. When your gal knows you have spent on her, she will gladly show off her latest acquisition but if on the other hand she knows how much you did not spend, you will never see the said gift again, unless of course you ask after it and she has not thrown it away or loaned it to her cousin who lives in the village.

I think there’s nothing worse than your friends eagerly asking what present your boo got you and you are too shy to show it to them especially when your friends don’t like him to begin with. It’s like giving them unqualified incentive NOT to like him even more. You go to sleep listening to things like “yeah he doesn’t appreciate you. Can u imagine he spent 1k on you. Even Kasim (Nail design expert) spends more than that! (When he is attempting to kwana you).

So anyway, I made my purchase (thank you very much friend) and I am happy with it. I have gotten over the whole “you did not spend on me!” thing.

I am a big believer in “it’s the thought that counts” theory and no that is not an attempt by me to get out of giving you expensive presents and what not. I just believe it’s really about how what I give you will help you not about how much I spent but that’s just me. There’s no point in spending 50k on you and then you use my gift once and that’s it. But that’s just me.

In the process of present buying and shopping, we walked passed a popcorn stall (some how it sounds more interesting if you call it a stall) so I decide to purchase some of these really nice tasting corn things.

I pull out my 500sh coin and debate on how much I should spend. I have a theory when it comes to such things. There really isn’t that big a difference in how much the chap will give you, should you buy popcorn for say 200sh as opposed to 100sh or 300sh as compared to 200sh. So I like to find the middle ground so I stick to the even amounts.

I think I should also confess that I wanted to find out if they (popcorn vendors) in town had started curtailing their portions unfairly like the vendors near my home. I am glad to report that these ones have taken it to another level. Even the popcorn paper bags have shrunk!!!! I hear fuel prices and food shortages have affected their capabilities. Hmmm... That’s all I’m saying.

In other news, I begin to think we need new places to hang. Scratch that... I KNOW we need new places to hang. Thursday’s plot usually involves a stint at Stake out.

I present my complaints (a very modest few).

One: the waiting on service leaves a lot to be desired most of the time. Except yesterday when for the first time in like years, about 5 waiters asked if we had placed our orders. I think it’s because Mr. B2B was not there but I might be wrong.

Two: what’s with the security guards going like “My friend!” so excitedly every time you turn up? I mean, I know all you want is a few coins so you can smoke or something, enough with the false friendliness!!!! Besides, as far as I know, you get paid, right?

Three: Price fluctuations... what gives? I know coke and Pepsi increased their retail price by 100sh. Did you have to go increase yours by another 500sh. It was already 1000sh (yes, 500 more) now it’s a whole 1000sh more!

I think I finally understand what you trying to tell me, its expensive hanging out with you. Never fear, I know some place where sodas are still 600sh and they would be happy to receive my coins, so there!

Four and more importantly, what’s with the MUSIC? You proclaim a rock night and yet the rock songs actually played can fit on my fingers (one hand by the way) and the biggest insult of all is your darn DJ has not changed his play list in over a month. Has he not learnt that he can change it up a bit?

We are still in the process of deciding what to do with you (most probable out come is, we bounce which is okay, I know we do not contribute that much but we are still paying customers).

We are thinking we should send Heaven! to sort you out. Heaven.. the name alone should work miracles and sort out the music to include sensible music like daughtry, three doors down, alanis, the fray, breaking benjamins, nickleback,.. can go on forever . but then with her beauty and innocence, it would be automatic that he would do what he can to please her , we would have our music.. and everyone would be happy.

Sooooooooooooooooorted!